It often starts with a small, reasonable request. For example, you are regularly asked to come by somewhere, but the way it is asked often feels demanding and disrespectful. You decide to go, but resolve to maintain your boundary. Upon arrival, you calmly say: "I would be happy to come by, but I would appreciate it if you could ask in a more inviting way next time." You then explain openly and sincerely: "It would also be more pleasant for me if we could talk about other things rather than just your experiences and achievements."
A mature comment, a constructive approach, intended to keep the relationship equal.
What happens next can best be described as an emotional tsunami. The other person immediately goes on the defensive, their voice rises, and hurtful, destructive statements fly across the table that make no sense. Welcome to the trenches of the disproportionate reaction. Why is it so incredibly difficult for some to take feedback without verbally smashing everything to pieces?
The psychology behind the explosion
When someone reacts extremely defensively or hurtfully to a mild comment, it is almost never a rational response to the content of your words. It is an automatic, emotional survival response. Psychologically, three things are at play at such a moment:
1. The 'Amygdala Hijack'
When we receive feedback that makes our self-image shaky, our brains go into the fight, flight, or freeze mode. The amygdala (the emotional alarm centre of the brain) takes control away from reason. Since literally fleeing is often not an option, these individuals choose to attack. Their hurtful statements are an attempt to neutralise the "threat" – the giver of the feedback.
2. Behaviour versus identity
People who react disproportionately struggle to separate their behaviour from their identity. You say something about their approach or tone, but they hear: "You are a bad person." The more vulnerable the ego and the greater the underlying insecurity, the thicker the armour. And that armour is often full of sharp spikes.
3. The lightning rod (DARVO)
Often you see that a specific communication mechanism comes into play: DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). The other denies the behaviour, attacks you personally, and quickly turns the tables. Suddenly, they are the victim and you are the wrongdoer. It is an effective (but destructive) lightning rod: by creating a huge argument, they no longer have to talk about their own behaviour.
Walking on eggshells
This behaviour is not only exhausting in the moment; it is detrimental in the long term. When feedback is repeatedly met with a verbal atomic bomb, the eggshell walking syndrome emerges. People around this person start walking on eggshells. They swallow their needs and avoid confrontation, purely to keep the peace.
The irony is great: by not accepting feedback, the attacker isolates themselves. A healthy relationship – whether in the workplace or in private life – simply cannot survive on one-way traffic.
How do you best deal with a destructive escalation?
What do you do if you find yourself in such a situation? How do you maintain your own boundaries without being dragged into the mud-slinging? A masterclass in emotional intelligence consists of three steps:
1. Allow your emotion to exist, but let your reason guide you
It is completely logical to become emotional when someone throws unjust, hurtful things at you. Your sense of justice takes a hit. The art is to feel that emotion, but to let your behaviour be guided by your reason. Stay calm. Don’t speak louder, don’t engage in the accusations. Your calmness is your superpower.
2. Opt for the 'Clean Exit'
There comes a tipping point in an escalated conversation where talking makes no sense anymore. The other person is so deep in attack mode that no information gets through. Don't keep pulling on a dead horse. Recognise when it's over and wisely wrap up the conversation. For example, say: "I can see this is really affecting you, but I’m opting out of this tone. We're stopping here now."
3. Choose 'The High Road'
The most powerful thing you can do when the storm is raging is to break the pattern. The other person expects (and may even hope) that you will retaliate or storm off angrily, as then they have a reason to blame you for the argument. By calmly leaving the situation – or even giving the other person a sincere hug before you go – you disarm the situation. Essentially, you are saying: "I disapprove of your behaviour right now, but I will not lower myself to this level."
The shards are not yours
It’s a hard lesson in communication: you have control over how you deliver the feedback, but you have zero control over how the other person receives it.
If you hold up a mirror and the other person shatters that mirror, it is not your job to clean up the shards. You don’t need to torment yourself with the question of whether you should have handled it differently. Sometimes walking away is the most respectful thing you can do for yourself. Not out of weakness, but because your own peace and self-worth are too precious to let be shattered.
Your turn:
How do you react when someone shatters the mirror? Do you walk away, or do you keep trying to glue the shards back together? Leave it in the comments!